Finally

Finally, after 10 years I got a marker on my father’s grave site. It’s simple, but effective. I felt a lot better after getting it into the ground today. It just felt right. It’s not set straight, however, but there isn’t a whole lot I could do about it. The ground is incredibly rocky and I kept hitting large, flat rocks as I tried to dig down deep enough for the stakes to set fully in the ground. I don’t intend to have it there as the permanent marker, I just needed to have *something* there. It felt wrong to leave it unmarked, especially after 10 years. It’s not been easy for me, honestly, to get to the point where I needed to do this.

It’s hard sometimes for people to understand what it’s like to lose a parent. It’s not like losing a friend or family member, really, unless they were the one(s) who raised you. I’ve heard so many times that it will get easier in time, but it doesn’t really. It never gets easier, but it does become part of the norm. It took me a lot of years to finally get to the point where I didn’t want to cry at the mention of my father. Honestly, I’ve avoided going to the cemetery for quite a while because it was too hard. I need to make it a habit of going more, though, since no one seems to be taking care of that cemetery any more.

I have so much more that I want to say, but I’m not sure about saying it now, especially with Sakka dealing with the loss of her mother. Plus it’s hard to put the words together sometimes. Perhaps later. We’ll see.